At face value, this movie is a self-aware James Bond ‘homage’ with fancy clothes, gadgets and a megalomaniac super-villain who wants to pull off a dastardly scheme which the movie wants you to think.. “you know, isn’t so crazy actually”.
In light of the bizarre pattern of high budget films of recent decades happening to very accurately predict upcoming future events years in advance (see: Contagion), why don’t we take a look at what clues ‘The Kingsman’ might have had for us – if only we had known what we were looking at.
I’m going to skip over the whole story of the lower-class-boy-makes-good by getting inducted into the expensive suit-and-gadget club and mentored by some fancily dressed older gentlemen.
..and I’ll go straight to the main plotline which revolves around a tech billionaire named Richmond Valentine, who with the aid of one legless assistant is able to boss around intelligence agencies the world over – while dressing like a 12 year old.
Okay so Valentine has been listening to the experts and believes that the world is heating up (ie. climate change) as part of some kind of natural mechanism to purge humanity, which mother nature perceives as a ‘virus’.
You may recall the ‘scientific’ story we have been told about how the human body raises its core temperature (ie. a fever) to help ‘kill’ the ‘virus’ since supposedly the human body is able to withstand that higher temperature, while the ‘virus’ can not. Apologies for all the ‘quotation’ marks, which are unfortunately necessary.
Anyway, so Valentine – who was previously a passionate climate change advocate – has given up trying to raise awareness. Apparently nobody listened. So now he has another plan.
He wants to drastically reduce the world’s population in order to get the earth back into some kind of homeostasis or balance, and thus allow mother nature to ease off from the climate change self-destruct mechanism.
He wants to kill most people, so that a much smaller number of people can survive.
How, exactly? Well, Valentine will give out free SIM cards with free internet to every single person in the entire world.
Once the whole world has accepted his offer – and the time is right – he will activate everyones’ cellphones all at once via the (5G?) cellular network.
This will trigger the transmission of a frequency signal from everyones’ cellphones which affects their brains, turning everybody homicidal. In other words, they become killer zombies who start attacking and murdering anyone they see.
The great part – as Valentine says – is that HE is not killing them, the poor dumb plebs are doing it to themselves.
So while the average Joes are massacring each other, the ultra wealthy elites and cooperative world ‘leaders’ are given access to hide out in an alpine speakeasy slash co-working space.
As a (mandatory) benefit of participating in Valentine’s extermination plan, they have each received an implant chip in their neck – ostensibly an additional safety measure which will protect them, making them immune to this cellular homicide signal.
The catch? Valentine also has remote access to these implants so he (or someone else) can active them and execute these ‘leaders’ at will if they don’t comply with his instructions, or just if he.. you know.. feels like it.
Unfortunately for them, the Kingsmen get into Valentine’s system and activate these chips, which gets things popping off.
Oh and what does Valentine call this momentous event whereby the elites will sit around and watch the plebs kill themselves by voluntarily accepting his free offer? Oh, it’s called V-day. You know, cause his name is Valentine.
That’s all for now.
