Why you might be a satanist

Most people associate belief in Satanism with the literal worship of an entity called Satan. When they hear the term, their mind conjures images of people covered in pentagram tattoos, doing seances in dark robes and sacrificing animals (or people!) on altars in their basements.

As it turns out, according to Anton LaVey – who wrote the Satanic Bible and founded the Church of Satan in 1966 – none of these things are actually required to qualify as a Satanist and the fundamental tenets might be more familiar to you than you’d expect.

In fact, you may just be a Levayan Satanist if:

You don’t worship an entity called Satan

Oh so you don’t worship a literal being called Satan?

As it turns out, that’s not a problem and neither do Satanists. Leveyan Satanists don’t believe that Satan literally exists, but that ‘Satan’ is viewed as a positive archetype representing pride, carnality and enlightenment.

You’re an atheist

So you don’t believe in the existence of supernatural beings, body-soul dualism and life after death?

Well neither does the Satanic church! The Satanic bible rejects all three of these and its religious doctrines are strongly based in materialism – the idea that matter is the fundamental substance in nature and all things (including mental states and consciousness) are the result of those material interactions.

You’re not a fan of Abrahamic Religions

Abrahamic religions are those which center around the Worship of the God of Abraham – broadly speaking Muslims, Jews and Christians.

What’s that? You love all people of every race and creed including Muslims, Jews and Christians, so therefore you can’t be a Satanist? Hold on there, not so fast…

The Quaran

In the modern cultural ‘climate’ it’s understandably frowned upon to criticise (most) other belief systems. However, the arbiters of modern ‘acceptability’ seem to find a distinction between the manifestations of a culture and the textual origin of those practices.

In other words, according to Babylon-consensus it appears that you can love Muslim people but still dislike their sacred (but frankly outdated) Quaran. Tick!

The Hebrew Bible

“Hey I’m Jewish!” Never fear – just because you self-identify as a ‘Jewish’ doesn’t mean you necessarily have to believe in the contents of the Hebrew Bible. Hollywood for example is full of ‘cultural’, ‘non-practicing’ Jews who are self-described atheists and agnostics (and potential Satanists if they so desire!).

Woody Allen, Stephen Fry, Stanley Kubrick, Marilyn Monroe, Matt Stone, Eric Andre, Larry David, Sarah Silverman, Billy Joel, Howard Stern are all proud athetists/agnostics, and those are just the ones who have claimed it publicly in those terms. Check out wikipedia for a more comprehensive list.

The Christian Bible

I will put your mind at ease: as far as the Christian bible goes, to revere or unironically claim belief in that book as an adult – in the context of the modern media landscape – is tantamount to still believing in the literal Easter Bunny.

While it pays (financially) for comedians, celebrities and ‘thought-leaders’ to tread lightly around the Quaran and Hebrew Bibles, they (and you!) need not fear publicising disdain for the Christian one. Calling the Bible ‘a spurious book of fairytales believed by only the most naive of adults’ is so socially acceptable today as to be considered ‘hack comedy’.

So to sum up: if you can comfortably say you’re ‘not a fan’ of these three sacred texts, you may still be a Levayan Satanist.

You like popular music

Aleister Crowley was a wacky bald character who – among many things – attempted to summon demons into our world using homosexual ‘Sex Magick’ in the desert. He was involved with the creation of ‘Wicca’ and was the founder of the ‘Order of Thelema’ – a cult with an important influence on modern Satanism.

This may all not mean much to you, but some of the most influential names in the music business happen to be heavily influenced by him. By idolising them, are you in turn worshipping him by proxy? Maybe.

Here are a few famous members of the Crowley fan club.

Jay Z – Rapper and billionaire

Crowley – the self-proclaimed ‘Great Beast 666’ is probably most famous for the quote “do what thou wilt, and let that be the whole of the law”. Jay Z is clearly a fan – doing what he wilt all the way to the bank.

Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin

Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin opened the occult bookshop ‘Equinox’ named after one of Crowley’s books, and even bought Crowley’s old property ‘Boleskine House’ on the banks of Scotland’s Loch Ness.

David Bowie

David Bowie’s 1971 song ‘Quicksand’ opens with the lyric “I’m closer to the Golden Dawn, immersed in Crowley’s uniform of imagery”.

Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Red Hot Chilli Peppers guitarist John Frusciante stated that the tracks ‘Emptiness’ ‘I’m around’ and ‘666’ from their album ‘Blood Sugar Sex Magik’ all drew their lyrics from Crowley’s work.

Of course we could just keep going all day with this – the Beatles have Crowley on their Sgt Pepper album cover, the Rolling Stones have ‘sympathy for the devil’ and other confirmed fans include the Doors, Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Stevie Nicks, Tool – the list goes on…

You’re an Epicurean

Would you consider yourself a foodie? Are you passionate about good coffee, good wine, good entertainment, and indulging in the finer things in life?

Epicureanism is an ancient Greek philosophy which puts a focus on the importance of pleasure – whether it be eating fine foods, going to the opera, or bingeing a Netflix series.

Sociologist of religion James R. Lewis described LaVeyan Satanism as “a blend of Epicureanism and Ayn Rand’s philosophy, flavored with a pinch of ritual magic.”

We’ll cover Ayn Rand and ritual magic next.

You agree with Ayn Rand

“Man is a heroic being whose own happiness is the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity and reason as his only absolute. Selfish behavior is moral behavior.”

Ayn Rand

Rand claimed that unfettered self-interest is fundamentally good and that this – as the ultimate expression of human nature – is the guiding principle by which one ought to live one’s life. Rand is still very popular among the highly-paid-self-actualising-burning-man-attending tech talent of Silicon Valley.

So whether you’re about climbing that corporate ladder, accumulating untold units of legal tender, or just maximising your own happiness above all else – that’s the Randian way.

You don’t believe in ‘magic’

Despite LaVey’s ideas coming from a seemingly secular and scientific perspective, he also expressed a belief in magic – but perhaps not in the way you are imagining. He didn’t categorise magic as anything ‘supernatural’ – rather that it was just a part of the natural world so far undiscovered by scientists.

God is an ever-receding pocket of scientific ignorance that’s getting smaller and smaller as time moves on.

‘Astrophysicist’ Neil DeGrasse Tyson with a familiar concept

LaVey never explained exactly how this magical process worked, but that ‘magicians’ could utilise this force of ‘greater magic’ by intensely imagining their desired goal and thus directing the force of their own willpower toward it.

Have you ever used a vision board? Do you do positive visualisation? Affirmations?

LaVey said that “skepticism and disbelief [should be] willfully suspended” but also talked about ‘the balance factor’, suggesting that any magical aims should be ‘realistic’. Doesn’t sound so crazy now does it?

In contrast to this ‘greater magic’, LaVey referred to ‘lesser magic’ as ‘everyday’ or ‘situational’ magic – ie. the practice of manipulating others through applied psychology. Would you say you ever use ‘looks, body language, scents, color, or patterns’ in an attempt to get what you want?

In Conclusion

Perhaps now you have a better sense of how ‘modern’ or ‘rational’ Satanism differs from ‘esoteric’ Satanism, and the whole thing no longer seems so foreign or scary.

Isn’t it only rational to live life to the max, by maximising pleasure and minimising pain wherever possible? What’s wrong with more orgasms and less hitting your thumb with a hammer?

Why shouldn’t we discard outdated ideas of morality and tradition for cultural progress, and the more practical and immediate concerns of money, career progression and self-fulfilment?

When you hear the commandment to “love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart” is your first reaction “I don’t even believe in that guy”?

And do you “love thy neighbour as thyself”, or do you try to avoid running into them in the corridor?

Well maybe next time Babylon sends out a census letter inquiring about the spiritual beliefs of ‘the occupier’ – you can tell them you’re a Satanist.

---